January 28th, 2012.
He makes me forget you. I feel like that’s okay because we aren’t together as often as we’d both planned to be, and it’s a nice break from seeing you in my mind. I can laugh and smile, and feel whole, without any sort of doubt. I guess that’s what we’ve both wanted. He doesn’t like me being sad over you, but he gets what you meant, he knows you won’t go away. I’m glad he helps me get through things. He’s a lot more supportive now that I think I made it a little more clear to him. I can’t help but feel a little guilty when I look forward to us hanging out, party because I won’t think of you. Only partly. And I feel guilty because i’m supposed to miss you, and because i’m supposed to be there for him. And I am. A lot. But there’s that small little part of me that kind of says ‘thank god’ whenever we make plans, or I see him.
It doesn’t make you go away. I had another dream about you. It’s weird as hell. We were skateboarding away from the mall security, and I can’t skateboard. Anyway we did that for a long time, and then we were in a building, and it was weird, it was super sunny and the flowers were so bright they looked fake, and there was a train track, but it looked mostly like a roller coaster track, and it wasn’t very high off the ground, one of the balconies from the building was so close to it we could hop over the rail and land on the track. So naturally, we did. and then the train came so we jumped off, and my ipod got stuck. We couldn’t pull it down in time so the train ran over it, but when it fell to the ground it still worked, which is funny because i drop my ipod at least five times a day, in snow and puddles and on the concrete and it always still works. After that we went and got sundaes from one of the rooms and we just sat and talked, and you told me about heaven and I told you about my life, but you knew it all already, and you helped me work through things, and you told me not to worry so much about my exam on monday. Then you said you had to go before I was ready to let you, and when you left all of the colour and happiness left too. I was in a grey room, in a building that was abandoned and all the flowers had died, and the train tacks were falling apart. I got up and left, but all I found were grey buildings, with grey people, and broken things.
It was nice seeing you again.
I miss you every day, and it hasn’t gotten easier. I just thought i’d talk to you since the dream has me kind of, well i’m not sure how i feel about it. At first I was so upset, because you had left. But now I understand, I can’t keep holding onto forever, but I know I’ll never be able to let you go.
I love you,
and I will love you forever <3