January 24th, 2012.
I’ve been trying to think of what i could say, and every day I erase it because it’s never enough. Here I am. Trying again. I hope it turns out okay.
I’m cold Jake. Not as in my hands or my toes. It’s winter, that happens, but I mean my heart. It’s not that I can’t love anymore. There’s a few people who will always have that from me, but it’s my heart. It’s cold, I never get a warm fuzzy feeling, and i laugh and smile but i never feel happy. My heart is never happy.
I got called obsessed the other day, for writing your name on my wrist where i’m getting it tattooed. He thought you were my boyfriend, and i said ‘i wish’ which just made it look worse. After a minute i explained, and i kind of got a little teary. A guy I didn’t even know, gave me a hug and said he was sorry. I don’t know if it means he won’t be so quick to judge, or if he was sorry for me, or if he didn’t know what else to say. I’m tired of writing it though. I want it to be forever.
It sounds stupid to get your name tattooed on me, sometimes i don’t even know why i want it. Maybe i’m trying to make up for all the times I wasn’t there. And I know once it’s done i’ll get asked a million times who you are, and it’s not that i don’t mind explaining, because talking about you is the only thing i’m passionate about anymore, it’s that, it never gets easier, and I don’t want to breakdown every single time.
I found a song to describe it perfectly. You don’t even like the band which makes it a little funny. ‘Everything’s an Illusion- mayday parade’ it helps sometimes, when i can’t say what i need to. The song says everything for me.
I love you so much;